A Story of All Things Random
by PopItLikeAPopTart
Summary: I'm sure here on fanfiction we can relate to having an extremely random mind. So basically, this is a random collection of little stories I thought of one day for whatever reason. No bias! There's plenty of making fun of every character! All humor!
1. It Was a Usual Day at Jacob's

**Heyyyy people. This is all a bunch of totally unreated/related/somewhat related short/semi-short/fairly long stories. Heh heh. I'll shut up now. IDK, i guess I must have a wierd sense of humor, but this is probably one of my most favorite fairly long mini-stories thing. Enjoy!**

**Oh and: I do not own Maximum Ride, or it's characters. If you're looking for the author, that would be James Patterson. (You know, who ever started this whole 'disclaimer thing', I guess people are freaked out about getting sued or something. Of course, if you got sued then you'd be able to see your most favorite author so it really wouldn't be the most terrible thing....)**

**___ I don't know if my computer or fanfiction just hates me, but the lines just some days decide not to work____**

It was pretty much the usual day at Jacobs. Bella came home infuriated because Jacob had made another move on her. Edward had an idea….

"Hey Jacob!" Edward came prancing into Jacob's house as Jacob was eating a bagel.

"What?" He mumbled, not really caring a whole lot that Edward was there because he was happy about Bella 'kissing him back'.

"You know those pieces you wanted to that old valuable car?"

"Yeah, the old Mustang?" Jacob got up excitedly, eyes beaming with eagerness.

"Well the mail's here!" Edward began a little dance, singing and throwing glitter above his head.

And Jacob clapped excitedly.

Then Edward pointed at the floor at the 'glitter'. "And here, and here, and here!" And Edward ran out laughing evilly.

Jacob stood in the doorway, confused, "Wait, so the mails not here?"

"Oh, no, it is! You'll figure it out eventually!" Edward yelled over his shoulder.

"Ok, thanks Edward!" Jacob yelled, grinning at the fun of a new game.

"My pleasure!" He cackled, running on home to go tell Bella.

XXX

Five days later, there was a ring on the doorbell at the Cullen's house.

"Um, hey Edward?" Jacob asked once Edward opened up the door.

"What?" Edward leaned against the doorway, his eyebrows raised.

"I know you really wanted me to play the fun game with the parts and all… but I can't find them." He scuffed his foot on the ground, hanging his head down.

"Oh, don't worry! You'll figure it out." Edward smiled and it had an evil edge to it.

Jacob's index finger went up in the air, and he smiled brightly "Oh, ok. I guess I wasn't looking hard enough. I'll still look! It was a lot of fun… Oh, and thanks for throwing that glitter, it made a huge mess…" Then Jacob's pupils got small in realization, his index finger still in the air. His jaw slack.

"That's ok, take your time." Edward smiled hugely.

"Wha- Whaaaa-" Jacob babbled.

"Oh, and Bella say's: Ha-ha." Edward smiled, and he slammed the door in Jacob's face, still frozen in the same position.

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**Like it? Hate it? Rate it! (that would be code for, _REVIEW!!!)_**

**WTH am I saying...?**

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	2. Iced Tea and Mountain Dew

**Well my first chapter didn't go well to say the least... but I'm hopeing that my next one will be better. Please review people! I love reviews. Even if you do like one reveiw per chapter, I don't care! **

**Oh, the takes place when Bella is still a human and Jacob is a werewolf. The Cullens decide to open up a restrant!**

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"We now officially open the Cullen Cuisine!" Alice declared happily, cutting the ribbon she had rapped around the entire house.

Bella and Jacob cheered, because they were the only two people who had showed up to the grand opening. Seeing as they were the only two who knew where the restrant was. It was pretty much bad planning on Emmett's part. He was in charge of the fliers.

_**Cullen Cusine grand opening! **_

**Who: You!**

**What: For the Cullen Cuisine grand opening, stupid!**

**When: 6:00. Be there or be square! Whatever that means…**

**Why: For the Cullen Cuisine Grand opening, do I really need to tell you again??**

**How: How do you function if you're so stupid?**

Apparently Emmett was so distracted with insulting possible customers; he forgot to tell everybody where it was.

So to sum it up, only Jacob and Bella showed.

Once they were both seated, Alice bounded up and took their orders.

Rosalie was in charge of the cooking, and she poured the drinks for both of them. But then she got an evil thought, "Because Edward won't make Bella a vampire, why don't I do it myself?" So she slipped some of her venom into the Iced Tea, and Alice delivered a Mountain Dew and an Iced Tea to the table.

Rosalie stood on the side, waiting for the moment where the venom soaked in and the pain followed. But Bella took a sip of her drink, and nothing happened. For 5 more minutes, nothing happened still.

Finally Rosalie couldn't wait anymore, so she smashed open the kitchen door, and demanded from Bella, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

Jacob set down his Iced Tea and looked up at Rosalie, "What?"

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**Ahaha, Iced tea is such a manly drink. Poor Jacob! Oh well, on the bright side, at least Jacob has a few more minutes to live! **

**Review, Por Favor! (knowing how good I am at spanish, I probably spelled that wrong....)**


	3. Canadian

"Hey Edward, can we go up to Canada for awhile?" Bella asked one day.

"Sure my love, whatever you wish." Edward purred, completely absorbed into Bella's 'beauty'.

Emmett then came up, "But how are you going to talk to the Canadian people? You don't speak Canadian."

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**Shortest story ever, I know.**

******Now you may be wondering "Who thinks that Candian is a language?" **

**Answer: my friend. 0_0 -rolls eyes-**

**_REVIEW!!!!_**


	4. This is Why Actors are Used Instead

**Heh, heh. I'm kind of lame sometimes. If anyone else noticed the disclaimer was talking about Maximum Ride. Haha.... actually I accidentally posted this on Maximum Ride instead of Twilight the first time. Haha, just ignore that first one. REDO!!!**

**I do not own _TWILIGHT_** **or any of its characters. If you're looking for the Author that would be _STEPHANIE MEYER!_ (-looks out excitedly at audience- I THINK I DID IT RIGHT THIS TIME!!!! -everyone walks away-) D:**

**.........**

**Now somebody asked me for last chapter "Why did Alice not see Rosalie slipping Venom into Jacobs drink?"**

**me: uh uh... because.... because.... uhhh.... _look!!!!!_ -points excitedly- **_**FLYING MONKEY**_!!!!

**Everyone in room: WHERE?!?!?! **

**m- OWWWWEEEEE!!!! D: No joke I just freaking popped my knee and its all painful!!!! AHHHH!!! -rushes to go get ice but ends up hobbling around like an old lady-**

**_2 minutes later... _I'm better now. Sorry 'bout that. Now see it was the weirdest thing in the world, my knee made this little crack sound and I thought I mighta dislocated it but then I thought _well then why am I not freaking out and screaming, much less typeing on a keyboard_, so I ruled that out and decided to go get ice, then I thought how weird my knee is, and then I got better and now It doesn't hurt anymore so I'm good and you guys can continue on with your life.**

**Oh... I forgot. This story is about what would happen if the _real _characters acted out the movie. !Que disastre!**

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The directer stretched out her arms wildly, "Ok, everyone! Edward and Bella start out in the tree and you're overlooking this beautiful scenery of the Olympic Peninsula. Everybody know their lines? Ok. Take 1, action!"

"This isn't real; this kind of stuff just doesn't exist." Bella breathed as she started out at the Olympic Peninsula.

Edward laughed, "It does in my w-"

"AHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Bella slipped and fell out of the tree, smashing her head on one of the branches, getting knocked unconscious even before Edward could save her.

Edward grabbed her before she hit the ground, and started sobbing tearlessly, "I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON!" He set Bella carefully on the ground, "I'M A DANGER TO HER! I'M RUNNING AWAY!" and he ran away, his hands covering his eyes, wailing.

XXX

Ok, everybody! Let's all give Edward a round of applause for coming back. Now we're going to do a different scene this time, ok?" Edward nodded weakly as the director gave him a round of applause, "This is the scene right before the truck accident. Charlie and Bella are in it, so Edward, you get a break. Everybody know their lines? Ok, Take 2, action!"

Bella opened up the front door of her house, and saw Charlie in his uniform bending down at her truck wheels. Bella knew there was an ice patch and that she was supposed to slip on. And she did, but didn't land on her butt, the way she was supposed to. She skidded, miraculously slipping around, not falling down but unable to gain balance. She fumbled, and her head smashed into the side mirrors on her truck. She fell onto the ground, unconscious.

After a moment of stunned silence, "THIS IS EDWARD'S FAULT!" Charlie stormed.

"What?! I'm not even in the scene!" Edward cried. Charlie socked him in the face, and ended up breaking his entire arm.

Edward ran away to Idaho.

XXX

"Ok, we've gotten off to a bad start, but this is going to be ok! Let's give a round of applause to Edward for coming back." Everyone clapped, and Edward nodded weakly. "This time, we're doing the scene where Bella gets shown Edward's room. Ok, Take 3, action!"

"You really shouldn't have said that." Edward smiled evilly. All of the sudden Bella, for no reason at all, lost balance and fell backwards.

Bella fell out of the open window in Edwards's room, knocking herself unconscious.

Edward ran away to Maine.

XXX

Everyone gave Edward a round of applause for coming back. "This scene in Port Angeles where Bella gets harassed by the men. Emmett, hold the restraints on Edward until it's his turn to come out. Edward was furious already with the men. "Take 4, action!"

The men went in a circle around Bella, murmuring perverted things.

"Don't touch me." Bella said quietly.

Then Mike, who was watching the scene from behind the camera, went haywire, "YOU HEARD BELLA! DON'T TOUCH HER!" Mike sprinted onto the set. There was a small piece of wood in his path that he didn't see, though. He tripped over it, sprawling on his back; and the piece of wood shot from under his feet, and miraculously hit Bella on the head. Knocking her unconscious.

Edward beat Mike up, and ran away to North Dakota.

XXX

"Ok, let's give Edward a round of applause for coming back." The director said with stretched patience, now routine, "And lets all pray for Mike, who's still in the hospital." Nobody seemed to care.

"Now does everybody know their lines? This is the scene where Bella first gets her truck from Jacob. Take 15, action!" The director said

"Jacob, why don't you go show Bella how to work the car?" Billy smiled. Bella laughed excitedly, and took the keys, opening up the door to go into the driver's seat. But a little too excitedly, because the heavy door swung open too fast and the corner hit Jacob on the head, knocking him to the ground

"Oops!" Bella looked worriedly down at him, and then realized something.

"HA!!" Bella laughed excitedly. "I didn't get knocked unconscious this scene!" She clapped.

Then as Jacob got up shakily, he smashed his head on the open car door. The door swung back at Bella, hitting her in the head, and knocking her unconscious.

Edward screamed at Jacob "You're a stupid wolf!" and ran away to Michigan.

XXX

"Take 67" The director droned, not even bothering to give Edward a round of applause.

"Instead he kept you this fragile little human." James crooned, holding Bella's bleeding hand.

Then Edward came out of nowhere, and smashed into James, splintering all of the wood under them. One of the pieces flew and hit Bella in the face, knocking her unconscious.

Then James threw Edward into a window, and he fell out on the other side, momentarily stunned. James bit Bella, but shockingly did not stop drinking when the director told him to.

Bella died. Edward killed James, and then committed suicide. Jacob got over it, and married Leah. Mike… oh, who cares about Mike? Charlie's arm was better in 11 weeks. The end.

(Maybe this is why they used actors instead of the real characters….)

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******Hello people in all of fanfictiondom!** **I is sorta sad. Didn't get much reviews. But thank you so much to all who did review!**

**After my incredibly long A/N in the beginning, I'll keep this short and to the point. **

**_REVIEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!_**


	5. Dumb Flea

"You dumb flea!!!!" Jacob yelled one day, while he was in his car driving past Bella's house.

"Dumb flea?" Edward asked.

My neighbor looked across the street at us.

Then Jacob drove by again in his car, "BECAUSE FLEAS SUCK BLOOD!"

My neighbor didn't stop starring at us until the year was over.

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**Review please**


	6. Jelly Bean Chug

**Ah... I find Emmett/Jasper bets funny...**

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"BELLA!! OPEN THE DOOR!!!" Emmett's voice boomed in from the outside of my bathroom door. I was taking a bubble bath at the moment, and I was deeply relaxed.

"Use your own bathroom." I answered calmly.

"JASPER IS IN MY BATHROOM, AND EDWARD PURPOSEFULLY LOCKED HIMSELF IN ESME AND CARLISLE'S!!!"

"What about Alice and Jasper's?" I continued, still not even bothering to open my eyes.

"ALICE IS IN IT!!! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!!!!" he made a particularly hard slam to the door, sounding more like an earthquake tremor that anything else.

I sighed very impatiently, and stepped out of the tub. I wrapped myself in a towel. Taking my time to walking the door, I said, "You know, I don't even get why you'd need a bathroom anyways-" I turned the knob and the lock clicked open.

Emmett burst through the door and immediately went to our 'stage toilet' (because we never use it anyways). Emmett then threw up violently.

I turned away from him, disgusted. "Oh, gross Emmett."

He wiped something I'd rather not describe off his face, took a deep breath, and then yelled at the top of his lungs, "WOOOOOO!!!! HA, I TOLD YOU!!!! I _**WON**_!!!"

"Excuse me?" I looked at him, confused and very weirded out.

"YOU BIG FAT CHEATER!!! YOU CHEATED!!!" Jasper stormed into my bathroom as well.

"I ATE MORE JELLY BEANS THEN YOU FAIR AND SQUARE!!! I WON!!"

"NO YOU DIDN'T, YOU _**CHEATED**_!"

"What's all of this noise for?" Alice rubbed her temples, and gracefully entered the room. She saw Jasper and Emmett fighting, and sighed, "Alright, what did you guys do this time?"

"I HIM AND JELLY HE HE AND SAID I WON CHEATER AND I BANGED DOOR AND CHEATER AND LIES NOT TRUE IS SO TRUE!!!!" The boys words were jumbled together in a screaming mob.

"Let's remember everybody," Carlisle entered very calmly, his arms outstretched, "Treat others like you would like to be treated…"

Emmett and Jasper took one look at him, and burst out screaming, resuming their fighting.

Esme and Rose came in, "We're trying to do something downstairs, what are you guys yelling about?" Rose demanded.

"Great, great everybody! Bella's taking a bath, come on in, let's have a party while Bella's naked!" Bella growled.

"What??" Edward quickly entered the room. "Normally I don't involve myself in Emmett and Jaspers fights… but I heard-"

"HE'S A LIAR AND CHEATER AND NOT TRUE HE CHUGGS JELLY NEW TRICKY!!!!" they both yelled again.

"Guys, guys!!" Bella tried to get someones attention, but Edward was starring at Bella, and everybody else was trying to break up the fight/or fighting.

"You know what. I'm taking a bath in Esme's bathroom." And Bella stormed out, Edward following her.

Bella walked into Esme's bathroom and slammed the door in Edward's face.

Edward blinked twice, shocked, "What did _**I**_ do?"

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**Review, even if its just like "That was mildly funny." No review is stupid**

**PopItLikeAPopTart:** **-points to random person in audience-** **"Except for you! Everything you say is stupid!"**

**RAndOmPeRsOn: -bursts out into tears and runs away-**

**PopItLikeAPopTart: "Wait! I was kidding!" -runs after- "I swear I was kidding!!!"**

******RAndOmPeRsOn: "I hate you!!! GO AWAY!!!"**

******PopItLikeAPopTart: "NOT BEFORE YOU REVIEW FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!" D:**


	7. Spoons

**This is the ultimate making fun of every character. Except Jacob, hes not in it. I warn you, if you don't like your favorite character being made fun of. Don't read this. I don't want to get complaints about people being offended for whatever reason.**

**For those of you who don't know what the game spoons is.... google spoons and go to wikipedia. Sorry, I couldnt include the link.**

**I didnt want to use a bunch of story space to explain, although I added just alittle explanation. But you should probably read wikipedia so you understand what game they're gonna play**

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"Guys! Guys! I've just read about this super-amazing, totally-awesome game on the internet!" Alice bounded down the stairs with a piece of paper, shaking it enthusiastically.

The entire family was sitting around the living room on a few couches. Rosalie and Emmett were making out, and paid absolutely no attention.

Edward groaned, "Ahhhhh… again? I don't think I can stand another game of twister extreme."

"No, silly. We're not playing that again. Which, by the way, you were very bad at."

"Well, I'm sorry! It's physically impossible for men to do the splits that far and also lean backwards with your right hand on green and your left had all the way at the end of the mat, under Emmett's legs."

Emmett wiggled his eyebrows jokeingly, "I liked that game."

Bella didn't pay attention to Emmett looked at Edward. "Owe." She mouthed at how painful that must have been for Edward.

"See! Bella agrees!"

"Jasper did it!" Alice pulled Jasper by the forearm next to her.

"Well I guess Jasper is officially a girl now!"

"No he's not! I would know!"

"Ewww." Bella said softly.

"Stoppit! Your scaring Bella!"

Edward comforted Bella and asked her 10 times if she was ok. He then freaked out, and said "I'm putting Bella in danger! I'm a terrible person! I have no soul! I'm the worst person in existence!"

And then Bella pouted.

Emmett and Rosalie went upstairs.

Alice declared something new every 50 seconds.

Jasper kept repeating to himself "I'm emo. I'm too emo!"

XXXX

**The next day…**

"Ok, were going to play that game today!" Alice bounded down the stairs. Everyone was sitting in the exact place as yesterday.

Jasper was muttering about the confederates of his war, and how they were awesome.

"_Ok _jasper. You lost, ok? We're gonna play spoons, now."

"Spoons? Oh, I like this game already." Emmett declared, looking at Rosalie. "Is this a partners game? It sounds like a partners game."

"That's sick." Edward commented as he read Emmett's mind.

"Eww, Emmett. No." Alice pushed him out of the way and put the deck of cards on the table. She sat down and told all of us to gather around. Carlisle and Esme joined us.

Alice sat down 7 spoons

Alice told us how to play. "Ok, so this game is fast paced, you want to try to get the same number for all of the cards in your hands. The deck moves around very quickly, I'll be dealer. You can only keep four cards in your hands at all times. If you get the same set of all four, so say like four aces, grab a spoon. When one spoon gets taken, then everybody else needs to pick one up, even if you don't have a set of four, understand?"

We all nodded.

Once she had dealed each of us 4 cards, "Ok, start!" She then began a mad dash of slamming the cards down on the table, and everybody played so fast that Bella couldn't exactly tell what they were all doing. Within 2 seconds, all of the spoons had been picked up. Edward had grabbed 2, and gave one to Bella.

"It's only fair." He said, reminding Jasper, who hadn't gotten one.

XXXX

_**Round two**_

This time Emmett dealed, and started the deck. They played rapidly, where Bella slowed down the flow greatly.

After a couple moments she just started pushing the cards to Edward without even looking at them.

Then all the sudden, Edward smacked his hand down on the table, followed by all 6 other vampires scrambling to get one.

"Ah!" Jasper yanked his hand out of the center of the table, "That was my finger, Emmett!"

And sure enough, Emmett was holding Jaspers index finger instead of a spoon

"Oops." He looked down at Jasper's finger. "Sorry."

But in the other hand, Emmett was holding another spoon, and Edward had 2, giving one to Bella.

Jasper lost again.

XXXX

_**Round three**_

"AHHHH!!!!" Emmett roared after about 30 seconds of play, smashing his fist on the table, creating a hole.

"Outside!" Esme screeched once the dash was done.

Jasper lost again.

XXXX

_**Round four.**_

Jasper lunged at the spoons due to the fact that he had a set of 4. Emmett launched immediately into the spoons, scattering all of them onto the flood behind Bella. Alice leaped over the table and snatched one. Followed by Rosalie, Carlisle, and Esme.

Rosalie hadn't gotten one, and looked at the one in Jaspers hand. She snatched it out, and beamed triumphantly.

Jasper stared puzzled at his hand, "I could have sworn there was something in my hand…"

"No, Jasper. You just lost." Rosalie nodded sincerely.

"Oh." He said in a small and sad voice.

XXXX

_**Round five**_

The brawl was over, and guess who didn't have a spoon?

"My emo loses too much!" Jasper ran out sobbing, biting his arms furiously.

"I'll go cheer him up with his bedtime stories again," Alice sighed.

XXXX

_**Round six**_

Emmett smashed another hole in the same table, and Esme had a nervous breakdown.

"Antique table from the 17th century gone, gone, gone…" She sang in a quiet and distant voice. Her face was blank.

"It's ok." Carlisle cooed, "Think 16th century vase this is safe in our study. Deep breathes." Carlisle instructed soothingly.

XXXX

_**Round Seven**_

Once the round was done, Emmett put his card deck down. "I'm bored." He decided.

Then looked over at Rosalie, shrugged, and started making out with her.

Emmett and Rosalie headed upstairs.

Edward sighed and put his deck down on the table and looked over at Bella.

"I'm a terrible person." And he walked upstairs to go listen to depressing music, turning the lights off.

Bella was then left alone in the room. Sitting at the table with the lights off, "Does that mean I win?"

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**Again, this was not meant to insult anybody in any way...**

**On a lighter note...**

**Reviews would be greatly appreciated! Thank you all!**


	8. Jacob's Facial Hair

"Jacob grew facial hair." Edward informed me one day when I walked into the Cullens' house.

"Oh. Interesting?"

Edward snickered.

"What?" I said, feeling very self conscious, "Did I say something stupid?"

"No." Edward laughed.

I looked at myself, "Did I forget to wear pants or something?"

"No, no. My laughing didn't have anything to do with you."

"Oh." I said, "Well what were you laughing about then?"

"Jacob's facial hair." Edward snickered again.

"Is facial hair funny… or something?"

"No." Edward said seriously.

"Oh, Edward. I knew you were going to say something about that some day," Bella sat next to Edward and comforted him. " Look, just because you can't grow a mustache doesn't mean your not manly. I mean some girls think its pretty sissy when boys can't grow mustaches but I don't think it's a big deal at all."

Edward looked at me widened, and fingered at his face very nervously, "What do you mean? A cleanly shaved face isn't manly?"

"Oh… honey, no. Some boys just can't grow facial hair. It's ok. I don't think any less of you."

Edward stared at me wide-eyed.

After a very long 7 second silence, "That wasn't what you were going to say… was it?"

Edward shook his head no.

"Oh… Um…"

"Ok. Well I'm just going to pretend we didn't have that conversation." Edward closed his eyes and tried to forget it. "Well, _anyways_ to get back to the earlier topic, Jacob grew facial hair."

"Oh." I said.

"And he shaved it in a _very_ interesting way. Oh, speaking of the freak… he's just outside our door."

Then the doorbell rang.

Edward snickered, "Why don't you answer it, Bella?"

I shrugged and got off the couch.

The second I opened the door, my eyes froze at Jacob's jaw. He had shaved part of his facial hair, except for a few little patches. Shaped like smiley faces.

"Look! Look! Isn't that so cool!?" Jacob said excitedly

I was frozen in shock still.

"I know! I know! Speechless!" Jacob shook my shoulders and walked past me into the house, "Look who's the man now Mr. cant-grow-facial-hair!!!!" he pointed at Edward's face and laughed maniacally.

I burst out laughing hysterically.

"See!! Your own girlfriend thinks you're pathetic!!!!" Jacob laughed.

"I'm not laughing at Edward!" I said through laughter, "I'm laughing at you!"

Jacobs face became very serious, "Did I forget to wear pants again?" He looked down, and when he saw that he hadn't forgotten, his face became confused.

"But… why would you laugh at me? I'm manly. And I came up with a creative new way to style my manly facial hair…"

"No. no." I said, stifling my laughter, "You look _excellent!_ Go show everybody in the pack! Especially Leah!"

Jacob's face lit up, "Ok!!!! See you later Bella!" And he ran out the door.

"Do you think they'll tell him he looks ridiculous?" Edward said awhile after Jacob had left.

"Leah will."

And sure enough, a few days later, Jacob, his beard shaved, showed up on our doorstep.

"You guys suck." And he turned his back and stormed away, back into the woods.

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**Hey guys. Just today I realized that Jacob had never had his shot at looking smart in this story. So this is your chance, Jacob fans! Fight back for your character and maybe give me some ideas in which Jacob won't be the victim for one of these chapters. So any ideas people? Tell me in a review! Thank you!**

**And you know the drill… please review!**


	9. Things Crashing Through Ceilings

"Look at this! Look at it!" Jacob came charging into the Cullen's house one day. In his hand he had a long silver ruler.

"Ah. That would be a ruler Jacob." Bella said.

"No but this is a _special ruler_!!" Jacob exclaimed, nodding a bit spastically. He then began waving the ruler around really quickly in front of him. The ruler bent as if it were made out of rubber. "It's a _bendy ruler!!!!"_

Bella thought it was pretty cool actually.

"Look! And it's made out of metal! It's a flexible stainless steel ruler!!!" He said, reading the description on the ruler. He then resumed flailing the ruler wildly out in front of him.

Jacob and Bella laughed in enjoyment at it.

"Hey!" Emmett boomed unexpectedly, appearing out of nowhere. Jacob cringed and recoiled. He had let go of the ruler, and it went shooting up at the ceiling with a shocking amount of speed. With a poof of dust, the ruler disappeared in the ceiling so only 2 inches were visible.

"Ummmmm…" Alice came bouncing down the stairs, "What the hell was that? A metal spike just came out of my carpet."

Everyone in the room was staring in shock up at the ceiling. Prompting Alice to look where they were looking.

"Oh. I see. Well. Emmett, you're in a lot of trouble." Alice tsked.

"What?! Why do you assume it was me???"

"Because you're the one in this room that's most likely to do something this stupid." Alice sighed

Bella shrugged, agreeing.

Alice then rolled her eyes and looked at Jacob, "So it was you, huh?"

"It's almost like you're asking a question," Bella smirked.

"Well of course it was Jacob," Alice sighed, "You'd think I'd get used to things crashing out of my floor by now.

"What, how common of an occurrence can that really be?" Jacob asked.

XXX

"Hahaha! I win! You suck!!!" Edward began gloating.

"Damn it!" Emmett roared, throwing his pool stick down at the ground. Because of the sheer force it was thrown, it came ricocheting off of the ground, and strait up into the ceiling.

Upstairs you could hear a muffled shout of, "Landmines! Landmines! Duck and cover!" from Jasper.

XXX

Edward, Emmett, and Jasper were jumping on 3 separate trampolines they had set up in the room with the highest ceiling.

Why did they set up trampolines inside, you may be asking? Because they wanted to. That's why.

Emmett cackled, and unexpectedly jumped off of his trampoline and onto Edward's trampoline. Both of them landed at the same time, which sent Edward flying up. Edward crashed through the ceiling and part of the way into Carlisle and Esme's room upstairs. Carlie peered over the side of his reading chair, where his adopted son's head came protruding from their hardwood floors.

"Hey Dad." Edward grinned sheepishly

XXX.

Jasper and Emmett were playing with a hacky sack. Jasper had accidentally kicked the knit ball a bit too far, and Emmett had to scramble to catch it before it hit the ground.

He unfortunately hit it a bit too hard, because it came shooting off of his foot and right through the ceiling.

Up in Rosalie's room, very unexpectedly a hacky sack came crashing through the floor and up to the top of Rosalie's ceiling. Leaving a dent before it came back down and landed on Rosalie's carpet, all covered in dust.

From downstairs Rosalie's eye came into view as she peered into the hole in which she saw her guilty husband's face smiling sheepishly up at her.

XXX

Emmett and Alice were playing Wii Tennis when a particularly hard throw came to Emmett. He swung his Wii Remote rapidly in attempt to catch the ball in time. But he wasn't holding onto the remote hard enough for fear of crushing the 7th one that week.

Up in Edward's room, a wii remote came crashing through his floor at an angle and continued in its path, crashing through his window.

"Esme. Emmett did it." Edward said, almost bored. This was his standard disclaimer for the damage done.

XXX

_back to the present_

"Oh, You'd be surprised." Alice said.

"WHAT HAPPENED THIS TIME?!" Esme roared from upstairs.

Jacob winced, "Should I be running?"

"Yes." Bella, Edward, Emmett and Alice said.

"Ok," And Jacob charged out of there.

Esme appeared at the bottom of the stairs, she instantly saw the ruler protruding from the ceiling. "Emmett!" She screeched.

"It wasn't me this time!!!" Emmett began, but Esme started running after him.

After a couple seconds of Edward, Bella, and Alice watching Esme chase Emmett around the house, Bella asked, "Should we tell Esme it was Jacob who did this?"

Edward shrugged, "Maybe later."

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**Now to the first one you may be asking, "What kind of ruler is made out of metal and bends…?"**

**I've got one, See! You can't see it but it's pretty cool. It's pretty pointy though. Well how I came up with the idea for this was I was sitting down in front of my computer trying to think of something to write for this. And I'm waving the ruler around and I almost hit myself in the eye. And then of course my random mind is like, "Hey wouldn't it be funny if this came shooting through the ceiling?!" Weeee….**

**Yes. When I wrote this, I was a bit high on sugar and air. But of course I'm like that about 50% of the time. **

**Review peoples. **

–**resumes waving ruler around- XD XD XD**


	10. A Too Funny Joke

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**^shreiks at line above which is bothering the PopTart when shes in her little OCD moods. (boy if that line doesn't appear when I put this on the internet people are gonna think I'm kookoooo...)**

**On a _very_ _different_ note: It'd actually tell the joke so that thier laughter would be more justifiable.... but I couldn't think of one funny enough..... sorry... Excuse my lame excuse.**

* * *

Emmett was telling a very funny joke with the whole family crowded around the dining table. Bella and Jacob were eating dinner.

Emmett was just getting up to the punch line when Edward burst out laughing really hard, "Haha, Oh my god! that's so funny!"

"Shut up Edward! You're ruining the story!" And Emmett continued. Emmett then finished the joke with the punch line.

Alice laughed, even though she saw the ending already. It was still hilarious the second time. Almost MORE FUNNY the second time.

Esme laughed so hard all the way to the point of tears

Jacob sat there for awhile, trying to figure out what was so funny.

Rosalie laughed so hard that she almost started snorting trying to catch her breath.

Emmett laughed at his own joke.

Carlisle laughed, even though the joke was a bit offensive.

Bella was in hysterics. Unfortunately, she had just taken a sip of milk before the joke came to the punchline, and the liquid came shooting out of her nose with great force. She banged her fists on the table, coughing while laughing at the same time, then smashed her head down on the table in convulsing and silent laughter.

Bella didn't hear the room go silent because she was still laughing uncontrollably. Eventually Bella stopped laughing hard enough to look up and see everyone staring at her in revulsion.

"Humans. Are. Disgusting." Emmett said, staring at Bella in horror.

"Ok.... EWWWWW!!!" Rosalie shrieked in disgust at Bella's drink which had been sent flying right at her.

Alice burst out laughing into hysterics "I saw that coming and it's even funnier in real life!"

"Way to go!" Jacob offered a high five to Bella, but saw the milk under her nose, and he decided against it.

"YOU DUMB MUTT!!!!!" Rosalie screamed at Jacob.

"I should run, shouldn't I?" Jacob asked nobody in particular.

"Run," Everyone said at the same time

"Ok." Jacob got up and ran out of the house, slamming the door shut behind him.

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**This is what happens when you can't find a good way to end these short stories....**

**I just realised something. Apparently I can tell a joke through writing... but when I try to tell a joke through speech, because about 75 percent of the time it ends with my peers either giving me a look that says "What... the... heck...?" or "I don't get it...". I think its because I normally forget some vital part of the story and it ends up killing the entire thing. Just like always, another random rant by me...**

**Hey! I'm not sugarhigh right now!!! HAHAHA!!! (oh wait... nevermind...)**

**Review please please please....**


	11. Technology Hates Me

**This reminded me of that commercial with the self check outs at supermarkets, and the guy scans wart remover, but it does it twice, so he bangs it and its like _Wart wart wart wart wart wart wart._ This seemed like the type of malfunction that my phone would do. Seeing as it randomly calls, texts, and leaves about 10 minute voicemails on people's phones. The more advanced phones get, the more screwed up they seem to become. This is the idea I got some day when my stupid phone decided to start repeating "Please say a command, beep. Please say a command, beep." Over and over really loudly, and I couldn't find it... so the stupid thing went on like that for 2 minutes. Then called somebody on my contacts list while I heard them on speaker being like, "Uh... hello? Hello...?"**

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Jasper came storming into Edwards room one day, "MAKE IT STOP!!!!"

"Are you mental???" Edward asked, half kidding… half not.

"It won't turn off! I swear to Carlisle!" Jasper thrust his cell phone at Edward, "It won't shut up!"

"Well, it's a new phone. Of course it's gonna be crap!"

"No, no. Just wait for it!" Jasper looked at the phone, staring expectantly at it.

After about 5 seconds of silence, "I don't hear anything" Edward said, his eyes looking at Jasper now.

"That's weird… it was doing it a minute ago… maybe the button unstuck."

Then: _Please say a command, beep. Please say a command, beep. Please say a command, beep. Please say a command, beep. Please say a command, beep._

Edward laughed hysterically at the broken phone, "that's hilarious!"

"No it's not! It won't shut up!"

This made Edward laugh even more.

_Please say a command, beep, Please say a command, beep, Please say a command, beep. Ar- are you still there? Please say a command, beep, Please say a command, beep._

"Stupid thing!" Jasper lightly punched it.

_Ar- Are? Ar- are? Ar- Are? Ar- Are? Ar- Are? Ar- Are?_

Edward laughed harder. "Hey, it sounds like a barking seal!"

"Just forget it! I'm getting a new phone!!!" Jasper threw the phone at the wall, and the phone spit in half.

_Ar? ar? ar? ar? ar? ar? ar? ar? ar? ar? ar? ar? ar?_

"ARG!!!"Jasper stomped on it, and it sounded its last weezing 'ar'.

"Rest in peace, dumb phone." Edward said, fake mourning.

XXX

"AGH!!!!" Jasper came into Edward's room again. "My stupid Iphone!"

"AGH!" Edward screamed, clasping his hands to his ears, "What the hell is that noise!?"

"It's an app on my Iphone! Apparently it tests your hearing range for humans but that highest note actually hurts! The touch screen is broken and it's stuck on the highest sound!"

"Oh, I can fix it." Edward said, holding out his hand for Jasper to give the phone to him.

Edward squished it to a pulp, and sure enough, the noise stopped.

Jasper looked heartbroken at the squished phone, "Well I could have done _that._"

XXX

"I have outsmarted all phones!!!" Jasper came walking into Edward's room.

"I'm going to pretend I care." Edward said lazily, reading his sheet music and playing the song in his head.

"Well I got about the most simple phone in the world." Jasper said.

"Uh-huh. Interesting." Edward said.

"Its one of those old flip phones that's thicker then a computer mouse!"

"Nice."

"See! Now look! There's nothing complicated on it at all! And you can drop it down 2 flights of stairs and it won't break!"

"Yup."

"See! Look!" Jasper threw the phone at the wall.

Edward looked up when he heard the phone smash through the wall.

"Gooood job. Esme! Jasper did it!"

Esme was in the room 2 seconds later, "WHAT DID YOU BREAK!?!?"

"Jasper did it." Edward reported lazily.

Jasper launched into enraged explanation, until Edward interrupted, "Not like you guys aren't interesting, but can you please leave? I'm on the verge of a musical breakthrough."

That was when Bella walked in, "Hey Edward."

Edward immediately put his sheet music down, and launched himself at Bella, "Hello Bella, I've been so bored without you!"

Jasper grunted, "Of course, sorry we're such little people and we don't matter."

"That's ok. I forgive you." Edward said automatically, while looking into Bella's eyes.

Jasper's eyes narrowed, "I hate you." And he walked out of Edward's room, Esme in his trail, nagging at him.

XXX

"Jasper! Jasper look!!" Alice called some day. "I got this new mac laptop!" **(A/N I don't know if the correct term is 'mac book'. I'm not a technology person. I don't know what 'model' or 'version' or whatever it is they call them.)**

"Oh. Uh. I don't care." Jasper said.

"Ok, well just pretend you care." Alice pulled Jasper towards the computer. Jasper sighed, and looked at the Mac's small screen.

"This thing can identify people's faces!" Alice pointed excitedly. She pulled a picture she had off of facebook of the whole Cullen family. All around them were balloons. It looked like it was sombody's birthday.

After the screen blinked, In a black speech bubbles, it asked, "Is this Emmet? Is this Rosalie? Is this Edward? Is this Carlisle? Is this Esme? Is this Alice?" All on the right faces.

"Wait. But it doesn't have a speech bubble over my face…" Jasper said slowly.

"No. there it is." The speech bubble was referring to a balloon.

Alice looked at Jasper, then the balloon, "Well there actually is some resemblance…"

"No there's not!" Jasper said, outraged.

"Yes there is!"

"It doesn't even recognize my face as a face!"

"Well, Jasper, maybe it's your hair."

"I will not stand here and let you insult me! I'm going for a ride." He stormed out of the room, grabbing his motorcycle keys from the table.

On the way out of the room, Alice heard Jasper mutter

"I hate technology."

Alice called after him, "And it hates you!"

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**Randomnesss...... yup... well I'm gonna go.**

**Review please.**


	12. Randomness

**Sorry guys!! Fanfiction was being mean. It wouldn't let me upload for like this entire week. Did anybody else have this issue? Well sorry it took me forever to post something...**

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**Edward's POV**

I had just come home from a hunt. When I walked through the door, I froze, but overall wasn't all too surprised.

"Well Emmett. What are we up to today?" I drawled.

Emmett appeared into my sight, "Nothing…"

"It doesn't seem like 'nothing'." I said, starring at the transformed living room, entirely filled with boxes. All stacked up on top of each other to create a big wall.

"Well. It is nothing," Emmett's eyes flicked nervously around the room.

"You made a fort didn't you?" I grinned

"Maybe." Emmett said very suspiciously.

Suddenly, Jasper popped up with a mixing bowl on his head. He pointed at me, and yelled, "INVADERS!!" He picked up a white ball from behind the box wall and he looked about ready to throw it at me.

"Are you guys playing war again?" I asked, rolling his eyes

"This isn't play! This is practice!" Jasper said defensively.

"It's play." I insisted.

Jasper blinked twice, still brandishing the ball as if it were some kind of threatening weapon. Emmett looked once at Jasper, and continued surveillance for 'invaders'.

"Well. You girls have fun." I said after awhile.

As I walked out of the room, a foam ball hit him in the back of the head. I turned around, and saw Jasper with a crazed expression. Jasper screeched, "THE FIRST SHOT!"

"You're an idiot." I looked at Jasper weird, and continued walking out of the room.

"No we're not!" Jacob leapt up into view with whiskers painted on his face and costume cat ears on his head.

I stared very blankly at him.

"I'm a kitty! See, today is my own personal opposite day." Jacob grinned.

I shook my head, "You know what, I just don't want to know." I closed my eyes, and walked out of the room, trying not to engage any of them. "Just keep walking Edward, they'll only make you more crazy." I told myself.

I walked up the stairs, expecting to find a normal scene. But, alas, nothing normal appeared.

Because there Carlisle was, sitting on a giant bean bag chair while Esme and Rosalie crowded around a little fire. And by fire, I mean red and yellow construction paper taped to the floor with little waded pieces of gray paper around it to 'contain' the flames.

"Hello." Carisle looked up at me peacefully. "Care to join us?"

"Errr… join you in _what _exactly?" I asked nervously.

"We're telling vampire stories." Rosalie interrupted.

Carlisle nodded, not blinking like we had a habit now of doing.

"Ah. Well haven't we done this like a million times?" I asked wirily.

"Yes. But see," Carlisle extended his hand towards the paper, "We have a fire this time."

"Uh huh. Regardless… I think I'll pass." I edged nervously away from them, and in the direction of my room.

"Well. Ok, Edward. But it's a lot of fun." Esme insisted.

"I'm sure it is," I called sarcastically over my shoulder.

I successfully made it into my room, and walked over to my radio to drown out the lunatic thoughts from my head.

Out from behind my bed, Alice jumped brandishing a big long stick consisting of highlighters stuck together.

"LIGHT SABER FIGHT!!!!" She screeched, and started towards me.

I easily ducked her attack, and chopped my hand down on the stick of highlighters. It was easily broken in half.

Alice stared heartbroken at the pieces to her beloved weapon, "But… why are you so mean…?" Alice gave me a look of disgust, picked up both pieces to her highlighter stick, and walked out of the door giving me a dirty look on the way out.

"Ah," I sighed, stretched out on my bed, and turned my music up loud.

It didn't last long before my door crashed open, and again, Alice stood with her 'light saber', a piece of duck tape to keep it together. She roared.

"I swear," I yelled. "I think I'm the only sane one left in this household!"

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**I know, this really isn't my best chapter... I'm not very funny with it being 'that time of year again'. I wish I could say I'm talking about the holidays, but no. Stupid ' back to school'. Well, anyways... please review.**

**(School is a weird word...)**


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